February 4, 2009

Oh, did you hear the one about the teacher who moved into an old cottage when she was 57 years old?  Uh, that would be me.  Suffice to say, I have had to guard my health, my heart and my wallet this winter.

looking south

 This has been a cold, snowy winter.  That should not surprise me, since I’ve lived in the Chicago suburbs for 26 years now.  However, it did.  I had to buy, in short order, a leaf vacuum and a snow blower.  My mother died suddenly, I had a bout of lowdown bereavement, and through it all, the bright spot is me singing, “I love my house!”

If someone had told me a house could comfort and support a person who is suffering, I would have smiled.  How sweet, and how odd.  Now, I would nod deeply, sigh and say, “Oh, yes.  I understand.”  This house is my refuge and my joy.  I am still just crazy in love.  It was within the safety of its private walls that I felt free to sit for hours, writing in my journal and drawing, soaking in and releasing a lot of changes in my life.

I am just now getting my studio in working order.  I thought it would be the first room done.  (No, that would be the kitchen, then the living room, then the dining room, then the bedrooms, and then, finally…the studio.  Whew.

My first concentrated effort  is the biggest mandala so far: 18″ diameter, a polymer clay piece – organic, growing interwoven rays.  It will be in honor of my mother, called, “Liberation – Flying Free.”  The drawings sustained me when I was at my weakest.

And, for giggles, here’s my horoscope today.  They nailed me:

“All bets are off as impulsive Mars enters independent Aquarius, feeding your natural instinct to lead by example, rather than follow by duty. Reckless behavior in the days ahead may be tempting, yet it’s smarter to save some energy for later on when you will need it most.”

My Sweet New Home

  

My New Cottage

Last weekend, the movers drove away and I began my new life in the perfect home for me.  I am head-over-heels in love with my cottage.  It was as though I’ve been waiting for it for years.  I am getting settled, but the most important furniture won’t arrive until mid-week: BOOK SHELVES!  I am surrounded by boxes of books until they come.

My studio is shaping up.  I love having it next to the kitchen.  I’m baking a giant butternut squash, listening to great music, and drawing ideas for my next art project all at once.

This is one of the best things that has happened to me in my life.  I am free to grow as an artist again!  I bought beautiful house plants on clearance, and have potted them up for all my sunny windows.  I commute 4 whole minutes to school!  (It was an hour a day, minimum, before).  Sweet, sweet, SWEET!

Wise Words

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” – Lao-Tzu

Freedom is Feeling Good!

I am excited about choosing my new home!  I have a terrific realtor, and I’ve sent my intentions out into the universe for a beautiful cottage with terrific garden space and wonderful neighbors.  Thursday I go to “meet” my new house, and my commuting 30-40 minutes to work each way will soon be over.  This is the UP side of divorce.  The other “up” side is that G and I are non-adversarial, splitting up our material assets very fairly.  He will buy my half of this house because he hates change and I love it.  We have moments of depression over the “sudden” end of this relationship, but we both need to live independently.  He needs complete quiet and a spotlessly clean home.  I need affection and laughter, adventures and LOVE!  We will be happier apart, and will remain friends. 

OW! OW!

What a shock to write these words.  Just before our 25th anniversary, my husband and I agreed we will divorce.  It will be non-adversarial, but we finally admitted there is not a speck of joy left in our relationship, and that after 5 years of struggle, we are going to admit that the unhappiness outweighs the hope of better days.  I am so saddened, but in my best moments I feel a spark of liberation.  I spent so much time trying to help him find happiness that I somehow lost myself.  ”Healing the Heart” at the Chopra Center was MY last hope for us, and it simply did not happen.  Now, I am working up the courage to manage the coming changes.  Whew.

Summer!

It’s SUMMER!  The kids’ last day was yesterday, and though I will go in to pack up my room for deep cleaning, I am officially on Summer Break!  It’s time for Sarah and I to assemble our summer gazebo and bring out the rattan furniture.

I am so lighthearted this morning, taking my time and spending a lovely, quiet hour in the sunrise garden with birdsongs and a cleansing wind.  My travel plans for summer are locked in, reservations made and confirmations stored.  Georgia, Pennsylvania and California are all destinations, one each month.

 Galen left for 2 weeks in Ireland yesterday afternoon.  He will be in California on our 25^th anniversary.  We criss-cross all summer, hardly intersecting.  We’re not celebrating the silver anniversary until later.  I would like to have a modest garden party with a wonderful guitarist / singer named Franklin that I met in Glen Ellyn this week.  When G & I are in the same place for a few days, perhaps we’ll firm up some plans!

 

Paying Attention to Form!

   

 

Thanks to the cool Chicago weather this spring, these tulips in a big pot on our deck are still blooming a full two weeks after their first tentative opening.  Our garden has been so beautiful.  I’ve planted peas, tomatoes, and Italian parsley, but have been holding off on the rest.  I am counting down days until school is out!

Almost 2 weeks ago, inspired by Donna Kato’s 30 pound loss on Weight Watcher’s, I joined online.  To my happy surprise, I’ve already lost 7 pounds and am feeling the change in energy and clarity.  The program is inspired: Counting points is perfect for a whole-grain vegetarian like me: I can eat the foods I love, and supplement my diet with more veggies and fruit to keep me happy and healthy.

Best of all, I can have chocolate, my comfort food of choice.  I took before photos, but will wait to post them until I can compare them to some slender “after” shots – or maybe “during” if the change in appearance is dramatic enough.

I’ve been wanting to grow my hair long again.  I had waist-length red hair, always in a thick braid down my back, in college and my early teaching years.  Now my hair has lightened to blonde and pale grey, which I love.  There is very little of the red-orange left, but it makes a nice highlight where it remains.  My hairdresser keeps saying I will want to color it, but no.  I am quite happy with aging naturally. 

Today she “dusted” my haircut to shape it while I grow it out.  I like it when she barely touches it with scissors – just trims it into a neater look than my slightly wild waves.  She is a 65-year-old blonde with shoulder length hair, so she understands the urge to let hair grow long.

Then, I uncharacteristically celebrated with a manicure and pedicure at a delightful salon across the street.  I do not like nail color, but I felt the need to pamper my hard working hands and feet at the end of a long school year.  I did not know it would be such a luxury: Massage chair, jazuzzi for the feet, a very thorough and accomplished technician.  She is from Outer Mongolia – a fascinating lady who is quite intelligent and eager to learn any English word she does not know, like “freckles.”  She wrote it out and translated it.

She massaged my arms and legs, then my head, neck and back while my nail polish was drying.  The last time I was in an nail salon, the chemical smell assualted me, and made me worry for the health of the technicians.  This lovely salon was clean and fresh, with excellent ventilation and dear, sweet employees.

 I won’t keep this shiny clear nail polish on my nails for long, but I will remember the luxury of pampering myself with grooming  and tension-relieving deep massage during the last few busy weeks of the school year!

Kato Magic

My Mother’s Day gift to myself was a Donna Kato weekend workshop.  It was a pleasure to meet this enormously talented artist and watch her work.  Her flawless techniques come from both practice and passion.

I floated through Sunday when she called my spectrum mandala made with her clay, “Exquisite.”  I made a Kato-style bangle bracelet in my current favorite palette of greens and cyan blues, with her black and white “zipper cane” embedded throughout the work.

 Today I bought a tool that in her hands makes magic happen: a double-ended aluminum knitting needle.  It is such a simple, inexpensive thing…$2.40 with a coupon for 4 brilliant turqouise needles, but oh! That needle is a delicate smoothing and shaping marvel!

 

April 27, 2008

So much has happened since I last wrote.  I have been swept into a cosmic dance!  In late February, Galen and I flew to The Chopra Center in Carlsbad, California for a retreat, “Healing the Heart.”  The prelude was a Primordial Sound Meditation workshop, at which Davidji, our teacher, made a remark in passing that, “Everyone is God in drag.”

 

My consciousness opened, and I felt my mind expand (which by the way is a VERY cool feeling).  I was immediately and irrevocably transformed.  No one so far has escaped this change in my outlook – I see each of my students and everyone with whom I have contact in a new light.  I see God in everyone.  Wow.

The retreat was a powerful 3-day mining expedition: Each of us looked into our own pasts and hearts, finding every painful memory and exploring it in depth.  It was…uh, painful!  However, the finale was a ritual at the Pacific Ocean, mobilizing these sources of pain and cleansing the heart and making it ready for new experiences.

I am happy to report that this process works.  I learned how to identify, examine, and dissolve emotional injuries.  I learned how to meditate with a splendid vibration – a brilliant idea, this primordial sound mantra.  When we are born, the world is making one of 108 endlessly repeating sounds, and we are assigned the one that occurred at the time and place of our births.  Whenever I repeat it, more often than not my small life dissolves and I experience a lovely, timeless bliss.  It is no wonder I eagerly await my hour a day of communion with the cosmos!

Sarah, my beautiful 22-year-old daughter, came with me to Austin Texas over Spring Break for an intensive meditation and yoga retreat, Seduction of the Spirit.  We were immersed in a love fest with 295 dear people, all studying and meditating with Drs. David simon and Deepak Chopra.

Sarah is taking the Teacher’s Path in Yoga, studying in Vancouver this May and June.  I am immersed in the Primordial Sound Meditation Teacher’s Path, and will receive my Chopra Center certification in August.

We listened to my favorite musician, Snatam Kaur and the Peace Band in Austin, and met my favorite living artist, Paul Heusenstamm.  It was a dream week for us, and changed our lives in dramatic ways! 

gifts

today  i made 30 notepads with 3×5″ scratch pads and cover stock printed with one of my mandalas.  they are gifts of appreciation for the support staff of my school: custodians, secretaries, aides.